A Little Space for Me

Brought to you by Lotus at Sarcastic Mom!

Well, I didn’t take any pictures this week - naughty Marylin!! J took a couple of pictures though, so I’ll pop them up for you this week.

Max has found his feet now!

As a result, we’re now walking into his room in the mornings and after nap-times to see this cheeky lil face!

Zack was a skeleton for Halloween, although he wasn’t allowed to wear the mask at his nursery party incase it scared anyone! (the same applied to all the kids)

And J ordered a cheeseburger… >_<

Is it REALLY that time of year again? My god where did the time go? I’ve been humming and hawing on whether or not to participate this year, seeing as they seem to have made it a monthly thing now, it doesn’t seem quite as special as it was last year, when I first stumbled upon it.

You know, that means it’s a year since I found out that blogging even existed! I was reading TJ’s blog and she was taking part, so I figured I’d join up and see what it was about. I think I put some gaming forum in as my blog address at first as I had no clue what I was doing… the word Noob comes to mind…

So, here I am, hoping to actually complete the full month of blogging this year… hopefully I’ll meet some awesome people this year, just like I did in 2007, although really I think I may have capped on the awesome-bloggy-friend-ness last year - who knew I’d end up in contact with so many bloggers thanks to a random friend request from a sarcastic mom? 

I’d love to write some more for my first official NaBloPoMo post, but… it’s a saturday night and I have a friend to go visit and chatter with! I’ll be back tomorrow with some weekly winners… not so many these days as I’m not at home to take them, but at least there are a few!

I’ve been trying to avoid this for a while. Almost a year in fact. A year of pretending that everything will be ok, that I’m so in love, and that everything’s a-okay, but it’s time to face facts. I’m not fine, everything’s not going well, in fact I’m pretty sad right now.

The reason? I feel like I just don’t have that mothering instinct when it comes to Max. Zack and I are great - always have been. Even when he’s misbehaving, I can cope with it, and I love snuggling up with him to watch a movie together, or read a book together - I love snuggling up to Zack.

With Max though, it’s a totally different story. I was diagnosed with post-natal depression back at the beginning of this, given meds, and felt like I was feeling better, more like myself. Even now though, almost 10 months later, if I miss even just a couple of days of the meds by accident, I notice a huge difference. I can’t cope with the most simple of situations.

When Max cries, my heart doesn’t feel wrenched out of my chest if I can’t get to him right that second. I just try to ignore him and let J ‘deal with him’. When Max is hungry/needs a change/is tired, I don’t go to him like I should - I get J to ‘deal with him’. When he’s bumped his head, or is coughing so much he’s making himself sick, I wince a bit, and I will scoop him up, but would still prefer J to calm him - he seems to find it easier than me. I just lose my patience, the little I have.

I feel pretty empty when I think about him. He’s cute, and I do LOVE him, I just don’t feel hugely close to him. There are many times when I wish we’d never decided to have a 2nd child - at least then things would be easier. God that sounds so freaking awful doesn’t it?

I’m so jealous of people who are just so in love with their babies… why am I not like that?? Why did things have to be so wierd for me? Why can’t I just be so in love with BOTH my children?

So. That’s it. I feel like I’ve lost out on this past year with Max, and there’s nothing I can do about that.

Being out at work is definitely helping me, but I still just don’t have the mother-child bond with him, and I hate that. How can I get it? I have no idea… but it’s something I really need to work on before I end up missing out on the whole of his babydom, and there’s not too much of that left.

This crying sleepy lil boy has been unwell with a cough and cold for a while now, but the last week it’s really stepped up a notch. Coughing all through the night, crying after every cough - screaming to the point he’s making himself sick. All in all, he’s not a well lil guy at the moment, so it’s off to the doctors tomorrow morning to check him over.

Zack… has taken to waking up at around 5am and refusing to go back to sleep, and he’s ohsonoisy it’s just a pain in the butt. Any ideas on how to get a 3 year old to go back to sleep when it’s still dark outside anyway?? Doesn’t seem to matter whether we put him to bed later or earlier, he will still wake up *sighs*.

J has this damn fluey thing too, we’re both propping each other up and taking turns on who’s up with the kids and who’s in bed. Not the best way to get better for either of us, but it’ll have to do. I’m not hugely impressed at his lack of doing any housework cause he’s unwell… I still manage to do it fgs! Bloody men!

Oh, and the cat? He’s taken to attacking my feet when I go to bed, and he’s figured out how to push Zack’s door fully open even when it’s been properly shut - oh joy.

So, I have a new iPhone, but no time to play with it cause I’m either feeling rubbish, or taking care of sick kidlets, did I mention that I’m off work sick at the moment on top of that?

Who says ‘it goes by too quickly’…? Roll on the teenage years when they will sleep in and not need help with going to the loo and such. I’m kidding! Don’t worry… I AM enjoying them at this age, I’m just looking forward to them BOTH having more independence!

So, I thought I’d write a to-do list while I’m at work with nothing to do. Sunday mornings working on the calls for a business broadband tech desk isn’t very busy to say the least!

Lots of things to do, I’ve been slacking at home, thinking that J could handle the household chores in the same way I could when our roles were the other way around, but it seems he needs a little help with getting things going at least.

• LAUNDRY. Laundry laundry laundry - don’t skip a day if there’s anything left in that basket, and if there’s nothing in the basket, there’s probably some bed-sheets that could to with being changed!
• Dishwasher & baby bottles. Ok, so J does this every day (almost) without fail, he’s pretty good with getting this done, so I won’t whine about it!
• VACUUM the living room floor every day, after every meal that leaves a mess, that dyson should be being used goddammit!
• Feed the cat (yes this is an every-day task!).
• IRON Zack’s clothes when he’s got nursery that day… it only takes 5 min in the morning!
• Think ahead about what you want to make for tea, instead of just making it up that evening.
• Remember to put Max’s worn clothes in the laundry basket - not on the floor in his room!
• While on that note - DON’T LEAVE MAX’S NAPPIES LYING AROUND, THERE’S A BIN FOR THAT!!!
• HELP Zack tidy up his room - he can’t do it on his own, and if you’re with him, it’s doing something together, which we know he loves!
• Clean the sink and surfaces every day in the kitchen - we (ok, J) cook our kids food there, it needs to be clean!!)
• Empty cat-litter tray as soon as you smell it, please don’t be leaving it til I’m home - eeeew!!
• Empty bins (this and the last one go pretty nicely hand-in-hand don’t ya know?).
• Clean the toilet and surfaces in the bathroom.

*cough* ok… that’s quite a list, but to live in a nice, clean and healthy environment it has to be done, amiright?

I just like the place to be CLEAN ok? I don’t mind if it’s messy - so long as that mess doesn’t include food crumbs, nappies and cat poo.