Well, J’s officially resigned from his job. It was either that or have them file for ‘retirement through ill-health’ for him, so it’s better this way.

He seems to be coping better, seems more himself - not as gloomy, or at least not all of the time now. He’s had a few half-assed attempted at looking for jobs, even got a couple of job applications, and has applied for one.

Sorry, but you’ve been off for 7 freaking months and in that time you’ve only just managed to apply for ONE FREAKING JOB???

*calms down*

I know, I know. You’re depressed. You’re anxious. Well you know what SO AM I. I was diagnosed before you and had to pull together for all this shit you threw at me, and I have. I have really, REALLY tried. You always say ’something will come up’, and ‘things can only get better’ right? Well that’s what I’ve been telling myself too.

I’ve been telling myself that for the past 7 months. Watching as you close yourself off from everyone and everything. While you’ve just lay on the sofa curled up in a ball feeling shit. I understand. Really, I do, but… and I know this is gonna sound so damn horrible… where the hell was my time to curl up on the sofa feeling sorry for myself? Where was MY time to be able to go away for a week at a time “just to get away from it all” hmm? Where the fuck was that? Oh… right, I got 2 freakin days. I just had to get the fuck on with it even though I didn’t want to be near my own children. Even though I felt like calling social services and telling them to take away our baby cause I thought I’d do something god-awful to them if they didn’t. Even though I wanted the whole damn world to swallow me up, to just fucking end it, I didn’t. You know why? Cause SOMEONE’S got to look after the kids. Cause SOMEONE’S got to act like a fucking adult around here, instead of playing video games all the time and getting pissy when his son want’s to do the same. Cause SOMEONE has to be able to keep some stability for our family, even when it’s all going to hell.

Well, that’s how it was 7 months ago. Wanna know how it is today?

He’s not lying on the sofa feeling sorry for himself anymore, and he’s not immersing himself in video games to forget everything going on around him.

I am.

I have become something I can’t stand, someone I wouldn’t want to live with, someone I would get pissed off with for not doing their fair share. And you know what makes it even worse? He hasn’t complained. Not even once.

Those of you who are regulars will know I’ve not been having the best of times recently (if you don’t know what I’m on about you can catch up here). Well, I’ve been on meds now for 4 weeks, and they seem to be doing the trick.

This evening, once Zack was in bed, I let Max play on the floor for a while - he’s getting pretty good at 360s these days!  I noticed he was looking for me and as soon as he twisted round and spotted me I got the most gorgeous smile ever.  I just had to get down on the floor and play with him!

If I tickle behind his ears he’ll giggle, and if I make funny noises he’ll laugh his lil head off and give me the most gorgeous look of “you’re so silly mummy! I love you!” - to die for He was getting pretty excited, so I thought I’d better start calming him down since it’s the evening.

We just lay there, me looking down in his beautiful eyes, him smiling at me, gurgling away in his gorgeous little voice, and I found it again, I found the complete love I have for my littlest boy.  It was always there - I know that - but tonight was the first time I really… I mean REALLY felt it for a long time.  Of course I started crying… and then another HUGE grin from him and I cried some more.  Tears of joy that I’ve found the love I thought I’d lost for my precious baby boy.  I hope I never lose it again… but with that gorgeous grin and oh-so-cute giggle I don’t think that will happen!

So, my beautiful little Max, Mummy loves you so so much! I always have, I just got a bit lost for a while.  Now I’m back and I’m here to stay and give you all the love and cuddles I can! Chin Chin xxx

WARNING: This is a depressing post and may be a bit distressing for some people.

I’ve now had it verified by the doctor… I am officially suffering from PPD (post partum depression). I have been prescribed some meds and will be starting them tomorrow. In a way I am relieved that I’m not just being stupid, I do have something real wrong with me that is making me feel this way.

On the other hand, I can’t help but think why me? I was absolutely fine after having Zack. Ok I had my fair share of “what the hell have I got myself into??” moments (frequently!) but I never felt the way I do now. Despair that things will never be the same again. Anger that this baby has completely disrupted our lives. Sadness because I feel like I just can’t go on, like I want someone to take him away from me because I can honestly say that right now I would not miss him one little bit.

“I love you but I don’t have to like you right now.” That’s how I’m feeling. They say (whoever they are) that the line between love and hate is very small. I think that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I do love my boy, I know that realistically I would hate it if I didn’t have him with us, if anything happened to him or he was taken away from us, but when he screams for hours and hours on end relentlessly, leaving me unable to be anything but a carthorse lugging him around, the feelings of loathing become stronger and I feel like I’m trapped. I become a snivelling mess, Zack has got used to seeing his mummy cry now - how awful that must be for him - I get frustrated at Max because he just won’t let up. That turns to me getting angry because even when I’m holding him he never seems comfortable, he’s always squirming in my arms, crying just as much as he would be if I left him in his crib, so why bother lifting him up?

I hate how I’m feeling and I’m really glad I’ve been to the doctor’s and am on my way to being helped with these meds. They have worked for me previously, but then that was for a completely different kind of depression. This PPD is unlike anything I’ve ever encountered. I hate it and I won’t let it win. I know I need to be strong, but sometimes it’s just too much and I feel like a deer in the headlights, frozen and I end up completely doubting my abilities as a mother, a wife, a person.

I’m sorry if I’ve upset anyone reading this but I guess you could call blogging my therapy… and at this moment in time I am needing to get it all out in the hopes of making some sense of it.

J has persuaded me to spend the weekend at my parents so I can get away. “Whatever will help you to feel better” was how he put it. I am so lucky to have him aren’t I? Poor thing, he must be wondering where the girl he married has gone… I hope I can find her again.