Where I pour out my heart.
Posted by: Marylin in family, life in general, post partum depressionWell, J’s officially resigned from his job. It was either that or have them file for ‘retirement through ill-health’ for him, so it’s better this way.
He seems to be coping better, seems more himself - not as gloomy, or at least not all of the time now. He’s had a few half-assed attempted at looking for jobs, even got a couple of job applications, and has applied for one.
Sorry, but you’ve been off for 7 freaking months and in that time you’ve only just managed to apply for ONE FREAKING JOB???
*calms down*
I know, I know. You’re depressed. You’re anxious. Well you know what SO AM I. I was diagnosed before you and had to pull together for all this shit you threw at me, and I have. I have really, REALLY tried. You always say ’something will come up’, and ‘things can only get better’ right? Well that’s what I’ve been telling myself too.
I’ve been telling myself that for the past 7 months. Watching as you close yourself off from everyone and everything. While you’ve just lay on the sofa curled up in a ball feeling shit. I understand. Really, I do, but… and I know this is gonna sound so damn horrible… where the hell was my time to curl up on the sofa feeling sorry for myself? Where was MY time to be able to go away for a week at a time “just to get away from it all” hmm? Where the fuck was that? Oh… right, I got 2 freakin days. I just had to get the fuck on with it even though I didn’t want to be near my own children. Even though I felt like calling social services and telling them to take away our baby cause I thought I’d do something god-awful to them if they didn’t. Even though I wanted the whole damn world to swallow me up, to just fucking end it, I didn’t. You know why? Cause SOMEONE’S got to look after the kids. Cause SOMEONE’S got to act like a fucking adult around here, instead of playing video games all the time and getting pissy when his son want’s to do the same. Cause SOMEONE has to be able to keep some stability for our family, even when it’s all going to hell.
Well, that’s how it was 7 months ago. Wanna know how it is today?
He’s not lying on the sofa feeling sorry for himself anymore, and he’s not immersing himself in video games to forget everything going on around him.
I am.
I have become something I can’t stand, someone I wouldn’t want to live with, someone I would get pissed off with for not doing their fair share. And you know what makes it even worse? He hasn’t complained. Not even once.
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Takes a strong person to look at themselves in that light.
Heres to hoping things only get better from here on. Yes I know there is no such thing. I live in reality as well, but one can always hope.
/comfort
aw hun..
big hugs..
i really hope you get on top things..
am thinking of you..
am here if ya need an ear..
Tazs last blog post..Weekly Winners - 5
I am so sorry, Marylin.
Can I gently suggest that another visit to the doctor might be in order? Not all treatments for depression are created fully equal… in other words, what works for one person won’t necessarily work for another… (This I know from experience.)
Hugs to you…
Rebecca (Ramblings by Reba)s last blog post..PhotoHunt: Cloud(s)
I’m so sorry… I echo Rebecca’s comments that maybe another doctor visit might be good for you?
I so hope that you find your strength again in all this, and find some respite when you need it. It’s so fucking hard to be an adult anyway, and being a parent makes it all the more difficult. BIG HUGS for you, my dear. ((((((Marilyn))))))
I read this and just kept nodding. This was my life 3 years ago…and though it has changed some, it still applies in alot of ways. I really wish there was something I could say - but I suck at words and I often get stuck in cliches. Please know that I’m thinking about you and wish I could give you a hug and we could just sit and vent to each other - maybe have a ‘depression’ contest until we laugh at how absurd our lives are, lol. Sending big hugs your way (((()))).
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{{hugs}} Sweetie, I wish I could hug you in real life.
Rees last blog post..August? Huh?
(((((HUGS))))
Sending good vibes your way.
Take care,
Frances
Francess last blog post..five ways to say I love you
Oh sweetie. So much I want to say, but it doesn’t want to come out. Email me if you need to okay? I get where you are coming from.
Veronicas last blog post..And then.
((((((HUGS))))))
frogpondsrocks last blog post..drumroll please….
Oh babe, I totally TOTALLY understand. Lucky for me I didn’t get to the place where you are now. I am so thankful for that, but it could have been me.
Just keep talking. Keep reading. Keep in touch with the world. You will come through this.
And please please don’t try and do this alone. Go see a doctor. You deserve better than this.
Kelleys last blog post..I was going to write a post…
HUGE (((HUGS))) to you. I totally understand. You’ve been reading my drama too, at least you’ve had the guts to do something about it!
Maybe he should talk about it and let you have your week off, like you did with him!
Jentys last blog post..Weekly Winners 2 Aug
Maybe thats why we refer to our men as ‘our rock.’
I don’t know where I’d be without mine…
The thing about life is that it constantly changes. Each moment is different.
Hopefully things change for the better.
Work towards it yourself now, visit your doctor and have a talk with your man.
See where you can get to from there.
P.S
Please look at my new shiny blog. There is a post there for you!
http://confessionsofacountrygirl.blogspot.com/
Everyone has some time like that. You will make it through, just try not to be so hard on yourself. I’m sorry its so rough but you are a strong woman. If you ever want to talk feel free…
Britts last blog post..Being Brave
It really does take a strong individual to only see themselves this way. Please know that you are in my thoughts. I really hope things begin to look up soon. I’m here anytime. Just say the word. *hugs*
Sandy (Momisodes)s last blog post..Can Someone Hand Me A Light?
All I can say is I hope this is the moment for you, the turning point, where you find that spark from somewhere to change whatever it is that needs changing.
Best of luck, take care of yourself, this was a very brave post.
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