WARNING: This is a depressing post and may be a bit distressing for some people.
I’ve now had it verified by the doctor… I am officially suffering from PPD (post partum depression). I have been prescribed some meds and will be starting them tomorrow. In a way I am relieved that I’m not just being stupid, I do have something real wrong with me that is making me feel this way.
On the other hand, I can’t help but think why me? I was absolutely fine after having Zack. Ok I had my fair share of “what the hell have I got myself into??” moments (frequently!) but I never felt the way I do now. Despair that things will never be the same again. Anger that this baby has completely disrupted our lives. Sadness because I feel like I just can’t go on, like I want someone to take him away from me because I can honestly say that right now I would not miss him one little bit.
“I love you but I don’t have to like you right now.” That’s how I’m feeling. They say (whoever they are) that the line between love and hate is very small. I think that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I do love my boy, I know that realistically I would hate it if I didn’t have him with us, if anything happened to him or he was taken away from us, but when he screams for hours and hours on end relentlessly, leaving me unable to be anything but a carthorse lugging him around, the feelings of loathing become stronger and I feel like I’m trapped. I become a snivelling mess, Zack has got used to seeing his mummy cry now - how awful that must be for him - I get frustrated at Max because he just won’t let up. That turns to me getting angry because even when I’m holding him he never seems comfortable, he’s always squirming in my arms, crying just as much as he would be if I left him in his crib, so why bother lifting him up?
I hate how I’m feeling and I’m really glad I’ve been to the doctor’s and am on my way to being helped with these meds. They have worked for me previously, but then that was for a completely different kind of depression. This PPD is unlike anything I’ve ever encountered. I hate it and I won’t let it win. I know I need to be strong, but sometimes it’s just too much and I feel like a deer in the headlights, frozen and I end up completely doubting my abilities as a mother, a wife, a person.
I’m sorry if I’ve upset anyone reading this but I guess you could call blogging my therapy… and at this moment in time I am needing to get it all out in the hopes of making some sense of it.
J has persuaded me to spend the weekend at my parents so I can get away. “Whatever will help you to feel better” was how he put it. I am so lucky to have him aren’t I? Poor thing, he must be wondering where the girl he married has gone… I hope I can find her again.
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hi hun..
sorry yout feeling this way..
i hope things look better soon..
big hugs..
I’m glad to hear that you can share you feelings with everyone. I think the best thing is to talk, if you dont, you start to make up your own ideas about life and eventually believe them. I went through depression when I was 17 and I’m really scared that if I have a baby who is difficult it might resurface.
Sometimes you feel like you’re on your own and there is no way out, but there is always a way out. My mum used to always say to me that things will work out in the end, and if you believe it, they will. Babies aren’t babies forever, and therefore wont cry forever. It must be very hard and very stressful but life goes on and suddenly you will stop and think ‘wow, I’m feeling a lot better, I used to feel terrible’ you most likely wont even notice until you already feel better.
Just make sure that you keep a grip on reality by talking to your husband, having family time, reflecting on life with friends and photos and a stay with your parents would be good. Sometimes being on your own for a night also helps, just to sit and think and work out how you are going to tackle every challenge.
And be thankful for everything that you do have, healthy boys especially. It would be a lot harder if you had a child with a disability because you never get a break, ever.
I hope you start to feel better soon and keep blogging, then you can read back on your progress.
Tanya’s last blog post..Hefty Issue
Oh sweetie. Hopefully once the meds kick in you will feel better.
(((hugs))) and like I said before, you can mail Max to me if you like.
Wish I lived closer.
Veronica’s last blog post..The THING! You Know, That One That Makes Us Cringe. ***UPDATED
Ohhh honey. I had to click over and give you a great big internet hug, because I feel for you. I have three kids and I know how trying they are, especially when they are so tiny and NEEDY.
I’m happy you got yourself to a doctor, and I’m happy your husband is there for you like he is. You’re going to get better.
drugs are good.
drink an assload of water. they make you thirsty.
Dawn’s last blog post..6 truths and a lie
((HUGS)) hope the meds work for you. I had to take meds when Connor was in NICU, I just couldn’t cope.
I’m so glad you got the help
Jenty’s last blog post..Overheard in the lift
Sweetie I’m so sorry you are going through this…please feel free to write or message me anytime. I’m on instant messanger most of the day on and off. I hope the medications work well and help you feel like yourself again. What you’ve written and shared has taken so much courage….
Sandy (Momisodes)’s last blog post..Rock the Vote!!! Bloggies Style…
I can read so much of myself in what you wrote. I just kept saying “Exactly!”..lol. I’m happy that you have the meds and I hope they work quickly and give you relief.
OMG and your hubby?! How great is he? I mean, no man is perfect..lol, but he’s pretty special in this case :). (((hugs)))
Kendra’s last blog post..7 Things About Me…again
Like some of the pp said, I’m really happy for you that you’re getting the help that you need. It scares me to think how much what you’ve said here resonates with me even though my son is almost two.
Thank you for sharing.
Jordan (MamaBlogga)’s last blog post..And some pictures
OMGosh I am sooo sorry I missed this I am happy that you went in and are now getting some help. I am glad that you will be abe to relax andsee that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel hang in there,,,,
Just a mom’s last blog post..ALL DONE I LOVE IT,,,,,
hey sweety,
your post made me really quiet and sad indeed
wish i could just take a plain now, just to give you a very very big hug and ofcourse a /cheer
me thinking i had a difficult time the last few weeks, but seeing how it got hold of you wants me to slap myself in the face for overreacting :S
Give yourself some time hunny, the old marylin will show up sooner or later. You have been through alot in your young age already, its perfectly understandable that you are lost.
Hope you do know you didnt lost the friends and family around you, cause we love you in the good and the bad times
/biggest hug ever
Dizzy
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