WARNING: This is a depressing post and may be a bit distressing for some people.

I’ve now had it verified by the doctor… I am officially suffering from PPD (post partum depression). I have been prescribed some meds and will be starting them tomorrow. In a way I am relieved that I’m not just being stupid, I do have something real wrong with me that is making me feel this way.

On the other hand, I can’t help but think why me? I was absolutely fine after having Zack. Ok I had my fair share of “what the hell have I got myself into??” moments (frequently!) but I never felt the way I do now. Despair that things will never be the same again. Anger that this baby has completely disrupted our lives. Sadness because I feel like I just can’t go on, like I want someone to take him away from me because I can honestly say that right now I would not miss him one little bit.

“I love you but I don’t have to like you right now.” That’s how I’m feeling. They say (whoever they are) that the line between love and hate is very small. I think that’s how I’m feeling at the moment. I do love my boy, I know that realistically I would hate it if I didn’t have him with us, if anything happened to him or he was taken away from us, but when he screams for hours and hours on end relentlessly, leaving me unable to be anything but a carthorse lugging him around, the feelings of loathing become stronger and I feel like I’m trapped. I become a snivelling mess, Zack has got used to seeing his mummy cry now - how awful that must be for him - I get frustrated at Max because he just won’t let up. That turns to me getting angry because even when I’m holding him he never seems comfortable, he’s always squirming in my arms, crying just as much as he would be if I left him in his crib, so why bother lifting him up?

I hate how I’m feeling and I’m really glad I’ve been to the doctor’s and am on my way to being helped with these meds. They have worked for me previously, but then that was for a completely different kind of depression. This PPD is unlike anything I’ve ever encountered. I hate it and I won’t let it win. I know I need to be strong, but sometimes it’s just too much and I feel like a deer in the headlights, frozen and I end up completely doubting my abilities as a mother, a wife, a person.

I’m sorry if I’ve upset anyone reading this but I guess you could call blogging my therapy… and at this moment in time I am needing to get it all out in the hopes of making some sense of it.

J has persuaded me to spend the weekend at my parents so I can get away. “Whatever will help you to feel better” was how he put it. I am so lucky to have him aren’t I? Poor thing, he must be wondering where the girl he married has gone… I hope I can find her again.