So Max’s health visitor (like a nrse but with no qualifications) came round yesterday to weigh him and generally see how I was doing. Max is doing well at 13lb 14oz so he’s a podgy lil thing!

I on the other hand, I’m not so good. She brought round a small questionairre about PND (post-natal depression) so it looks like I need to pop some pills to help me cope more easily for a bit.

I don’t really know what to think tbh. It’s a good thing that at least I’ve not been left by the wayside, but what person wants to admit they don’t feel like they’re coping? How can I not feel guilty that there are times when I just wish I’d never had Max, that I want to just up and leave to get away from it all.

The past few weeks have become a constant battle. Max is a VERY fussy baby. His feeding is pretty erratic and he wants held ALL the time - i.e. as soon as he feels his back being layed onto his bouncer he screams his lil heart out… the second I lift him up, he’s quiet. Now that wouldn’t be quite so bad if I didn’t have Zack around as well but it’s just impossible so I end up having a crying baby for about 4 hrs during the day on average. Bit of drain as you can imagine.

I’ve got an appt with the doctor for tuesday morning so I’ll have to then talk to him about it all, go through yet another questionairre and then see whether he’s willing for me to go on some anti-d’s or whatever. I hope he just gives me something for it rather than therapy tbh… talking about the fact I have no one but J to help isn’t exactly going to make me feel any better.

The thing that worries me the most is I know that the first couple of weeks of starting any anti-deppresant will make me feel worse as everything adjusts. Oh so not looking forward to that

Sorry for the down post but just thought I’d let everyone know what’s going on in my life at the moment.